Poltergeists? Ghosts are just people, too

The Conjuring 2/Screenshot

Having a ghost in your house doesn’t necessarily mean pictures fly off the wall at you and the dog cowers and growls at the top of the basement stairs.  Spirits are everywhere, and they come in a variety of shapes, sizes and intentions

Hollywood has led people to believe that ghosts are not only real but vicious things that rip flesh and possess children to want to hang out in corn fields.

Nothing can be further from the truth.

This article is being written on behalf of the ghost in your house, who wants you to know they are just people too.

Ghostbusters 101

Of course, if Fido is at the top of the basement stairs grunting strangely it most likely means something’s in the basement, but not necessarily a ghost.

I cleared a house once where the family was petrified with fear ‘cuz their little schnauser mix Ching-a-ling kept crying at the basement door.  The family, being fully educated by Hollywood’s version of the paranormal feared for little Ching’s life and called in an expert ghost buster… me.

“She wants to go down and kick some ghost b**t” the owner said.

I found a baby possum longing for its mother waiting for a miracle on the outside of the open window.

“Found the ghost” I yelled. “The little guy is running down Chestnut Lane into the Light,” and climbing up the stairs pretending to be out of breath, I couldn’t help but say, “This house is clean.” (Sorry Hollywood).

Then, we all sat down, had a beer while the dog inspected my work downstairs and I educated them about ghosts and spirits that live in houses.

The Holy Spirit

You can go ahead and deny their existence but if you do you also have to also deny the most popular of all ghosts. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this one is the Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift of the afterlife, the one, the only, Holy Spirit.

Said Holy Spirit trumps, tackles and rocks any and all intrusive dark energy around you hands down.  So, with our cross’s and Holy water in hand follow me down the path to all things that go bump in the night…and learn about Hollywood’s multi-billion dollar reality TV action, which more times than not showcase poltergeists, a German word meaning ‘noisy spirit’.

Listen to Nathan Robert Brown who wrote The five stages of a Poltergeist for the Idiots Guide Publication series. http://www.idiotsguides.com/religion-and-spirituality/supernatural/five-stages-poltergeist/

Brown says, in part, that “apparitions are not a part of the poltergeist phenomenon. Witnesses see the activity it causes, of course, but no one has ever actually seen a poltergeist with their own eyes. You hear and see what it does, but if you see an apparition, then it isn’t a poltergeist”.

Phew. That separates the men from the boys. So, if you see someone throwing dishes then it isn’t a poltergeist it’s a ghost (or a weird neighbor). If you only see the dish flying through the air it’s a poltergeist.  Now we know…

Five degrees of manifestation

Brown goes on to explain the five stages of activity which are in part:

Stage 1: Latent/Dormant/Passive Stage

Everything you hear going bump in the night you pass off as ‘the wind’.

Stage 2: Obvious/Detectable Presence

Everything you hear going bump in the night is going bump during the day too, and you pass it off as ‘the wind’ and your dog is freaked.

Stage 3: Increased Kinetic Activity

Everything you hear going bump is now accompanied by cold spots and those frigid temps are increasing. Oh, and the dog doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore. Brown describes this stage as the “holy crap phase”.

Stage 4: Intelligent/Individual Targeting

Forget the things that go bump in the night; things are flying through the air! Now the activity is targeting people, but unlike the movies, most often poltergeists bug adults and teenagers, not little kids. Doors shutting in your face and water turning on and off by itself are common, also electricity and technology seems to go wacky.

Stage 5: Dangerous/Life-Threatening Kinetic Activity

OK, if you haven’t called in help by now, (really, you haven’t yet?) its time. Things are really too dangerous for people and pets to be there, (course the dog left weeks ago,) things that fly through the air are doing so with intelligent intent to harm.

How to clear a poltergeist from your home

I certainly wouldn’t wait until the fifth stage to call in help. Start clearing and reclaiming your home at the first sign of trouble, like when the dog looks into that empty corner of the room cocks his head and growls).

I arm myself with everything I find Holy: Bible, blessed water, crucifix, Mardi Gras beads and bingo dobber to start. (I’ve won four games with that thing). Then, by declaring your home as your own and bringing in the Bieber/Swift Holy Spirits to accompany, you nip this bad boy in the bud quickly.

Burning sage with the windows open chokes out the dark. Happy music and dancing creeps them out, and of course a confident winning bingo dobber can’t be tolerated by the undead of zombies — my secret weapon.

You may laugh, but…

Anything you believe in to be good and within the stream of Providence will do. For me it’s this list; for you it could be crystals, salt, prayer, a priest, a strong intention. Use your voice to announce a declaration of ownership, anything you feel serves the greater good will work.

And above all, the knowledge that nothing — and I mean nothing — is stronger than you and your dedication to what is good.

Above all, stay calm, make phone calls and know all will be well. Or, worst case scenario, you can be featured in a reality show and make millions. Not so bad huh?


Debra Zachau

(Debra Zachau can be contacted directly through emailing debrazachau@gmail.com .You can also visit her website at www.debrazachau.com.)